Never Let Me Go
by Phoenixflames12
Summary: 'I cannot thank you enough for our little infinity'. Hazel's POV on her last conversation with Augustus before his pre-funeral minus the attack of the 'well meaning sisters'. My first story in The Fault In Our Stars so please feel free to read and review! Much love and enjoy x ( NB: All recognisable quotes in italics are taken directly from the book and are property of John Green!)


_**A/N: This is an edited version of my original first The Fault In Our Stars story 'Never Let Me Go' which came about after reading the book twice at the recommendation of a friend and nearly drowning in a pool of emotion after being subjected to John Green's heartbreakingly beautiful characterisations of Augustus and Hazel!**_

_**Disclaimer: As I most definitely not John Green, how can I possibly own The Fault In Our Stars? I am simply trying to convey my love for this incredible book into something cohesive- please don't sue me! **_

_**Much love and enjoy x**_

Never Let Me Go

The room is full of choking, tearstained apprehension when I finally enter; pushing past the crowd of people; people whom I once knew and who are now little more than strangers to reach the bed. The bed that holds the body of the boy I loved; the beautiful, metaphorically inclined boy with the bright, water blue eyes and a mop of dark hair that fell into his face whenever he forgot to brush it back. My breaths are slow and laboured; my hands coated by a sheen of sweat as they grip the handle of my cart as the oxygen dribbles itself with painful slowness through the cannula and into my shitty lungs which scream a constant, never ending cry for the sweet tang of the air which is so near and yet as distant as the stars which formed Augustus' thoughts to my aching body. I can feel my heart thudding through my chest as I slowly close the gap between to the bed; hardly hearing the whispers of the children as they point at the cylinders; their faces wide eyed with curiosity, as if I am a new and rare animal they have spotted at the zoo. I can feel tears in my eyes; persistent pricks of unwanted emotion that I furiously refuse to shed. I am not going to cry. I am not going to allow the final memory of the boy I love to be of a snivelling, lovesick teenager whose very existence was just as numbered as his own.

_'Thank you for giving me an infinity within the numbered days'. _The words echo through my head as I remember his warm weight pressing close to me in the hotel room of the Filosoof; the security of his biceps encircled around my shoulders now wasted away by the viciously aggressive cancer that is slowly eating him up from the inside; lighting him up like the Christmas tree he had so wanted to become. Through tear soaked eyes I just about make out his parents sitting by the bed; his Mom with one hand clutched in his, her only, beautiful son; his Dad with an ashen face; the grief tugging at his features like some huge, inexplicable magnetic force. I watch as his grey eyes flick up at my footsteps and see the flickering ghost of a smile tug at the corner of his lips as they float back down to Augustus' sleeping form; to the steady 'beep' of his heart beat flickering on the monitor, the countless lines; BECC, IV, his G-Tube that was supposed to keep him alive but had instead poisoned him until he was little more than a sobbing, screaming, blue-lipped boy pulled up outside a gas station; trying desperately to stay conscious whilst Time, bitch that she is to everyone who needs her most had slowly ticked away; allowing minute after minute of his precious life to be flushed into the cavernous drain of oblivion. _Oh Augustus… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…._

I feel his Mom's hand reaching for my own as she draws me close; her eyes wide with emotive exhaustion as her blue-grey eyes scan my face; taking in the silent tears that are threatening to overwhelm me with the small, sad, sympathetic smile of a fellow sufferer. 'He's been asking for you', her voice is little more than a whisper as her eyes travel back down to the high, fine features of the boy in the bed as the unconscious emotions dance like dreams over of his face. I feel myself nod, swallowing back the sudden blockade of painful emotion that is threatening to overwhelm me as his Dad pulls over a spare plastic chair that I recognise from the Cancer Support Group and invites me to sit; his hands shaking for the briefest of moments as he scoots the chair back into place.

I can feel the heat of their gazes on my face. The wide eyed looks from the children, the cold, calculating stares from his sisters as they watch me reach out to take his hand from his Mom's grasp; slowly massaging the stiff digits within my own; my own eyes watching the long lashed lids flicker feebly at the pressure as he slowly surfaces back into consciousness.

'Hazel…Grace…' His voice; that low, husky, sexy voice that I had slowly but surely fallen in love with on the flight back from Amsterdam is little more than a pain filled, whispered rasp as the water blue eyes flicker with the flames of recognition. He tries to smile as he takes in the look of concern on my face; on all our faces, but it fades into a grimacing gasp as another burst of pain flashes through his breaking body and it is all I can do to keep a hold on the trembling digits clenched into a sudden fist in my palm.

'I love you', I whisper back when the pain has passed and his face is clear again; the skin taught over fine bones. 'I love you, okay?' He nods slowly; eyes suddenly brimming as he reaches up a trembling hand to trace my cheek; the digits shivering with exhaustion as his eyes flicker and fail; desperately trying to remain focused. Dimly, I feel his Mom rise from her seat and watch as he flicks his gaze slowly to meet hers; silently thanking her; I think, for her understanding as he turns back to me and I have to take in the faint shadow of beard scruff that caresses his chin; the hollow cheeks; the wide, exhausted eyes that I have come to love so dearly. _'I enjoy looking at beautiful people and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simple pleasures of existence'._

'We… We both know I'm not…' He pauses for breath and tries to laugh; a weak, harsh, rasping laugh that makes my heart twist in my chest as I cling to his fingers, refusing to let go until I have committed every feature of my beautiful, brown haired, blue eyed lover to memory. '_Just say it Augustus, please?' _Faintly I can hear his parents talking in low whispers and the high -pitched, lisping chorus of the kids as they dance around the room; completely oblivious to the dual pain that we both feel.

'I'm sorry', he whispers again, his voice becoming sluggish with sleep as he fumbles for the pain pump; long, dexterous digits shivering slightly as they grope and grasp for the rubber ball. I nod slowly; allowing my eyes to slip shut for a fraction of a second before opening them again; desperately trying to push the pain that still; after all this time demands to be felt back into the dark oblivion of nothingness.

'I love you', the words are faint; so faint that I hardly hear them. 'I… I… love… you… okay? My grip on his hand tightens momentarily as his fingers close around the pain pump; his breathing slowing into sleep as I lean across to brush tear stained lips over his forehead; pressing my own against his in a silent act of reassurance for the boy I loved. The boy I love; _present tense_ I tell myself firmly.

A sudden feeling of slight pressure of a hand on my shoulder startles me slightly, so that I look up to see his Mom standing over me; her grey eyes shining with unshed scars of salty sadness. 'It's time to go Hazel. I'm sorry sweetie but we need to let him sleep. I'll call you if anything changes; don't worry.'

I nod; the tears rising through my throat making the idea of speech momentarily impossible as I raise his hand to my lips and allow a sweeping kiss to brush itself across his knuckles; watching as a faint, pained smile dances across his lips.

'Okay Augustus Waters. It's okay. I promise. I love you. We'll see each other again. Someday, my love. Promise. Okay?' The words fall unrehearsed from my trembling, tear stained lips as I allow myself to be led back through the chorus of silently watching faces into the hallway and through the front door to my car; whereupon Mrs Waters pulls me into an unexpected embrace; her hands shaking slightly as they fasten themselves around my thin frame.

'Thank you', she whispers into my hair as I pull away from her clutching hands and wipe my hand on my sleeve; feeling the cannula tickling slightly as I brush my shivering fingers against it. 'Thank you for being his infinity Hazel. You mean the world to him; you know that, don't you?' I nod silently; not trusting myself to speak as I move towards the front door of my car and wave goodbye; trying not to think about when the next time I would ever see him again would be as a silent thought flutters through the open window and I feel a sudden, watery smile tug at the corners of my lips.

'_I love you Augustus Waters. The world may not be a wish - granting factory but I cannot thank you enough for our little infinity. Okay? Okay.'_

**_Fin_**

**_A/N: Please feel free to read and review! Comments, suggestions, constructive criticisms etc are like chocolate to my brain and will be treated as such!_**


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